Damien Richardon

Damien "Rico" Richardson is one of the true literary giants of our time, a master wordsmith who bridges the gap between the equally rarefied worlds of world-class football and world-class literature.

No, not really, but he’d like to be. That’s the tragedy of it, really, because Rico’s ugly scuffles with the English language - both as a football "analyst" on Irish TV3’s Sports Tonight and in print - will reduce you to tears for all the wrong reasons. When Rico opens his gob or puts pen to paper, overly ambitious, ludicrously ornate sentences crash about him like the walls of a house built without foundations.

Rico’s stock-in-trade, if he only knew it, is the befuddlement of the common man. Sentences beginning with the word "whether" are a particular danger. Here, Rico looks to the future:


"Whether one is blessed with a prodigious flair for articulacy or merely entrusted with a basic monosyllabic uttering of contentment, the relevance of this coming season will stimulate in every green and white heart at least a temporary escalation in embellished eloquence, so as to allow all an opportunity to express the most wondrous sense of anticipation and excitement that lies within."


He can be philosophical when his team loses the top spot in the league – too philosophical for his own good. Again, note the daredevil use of the word "whether":


"Whether one possesses the stoical stature of an empirical philosopher or a more mundane propensity for self-gratification, the cataclysmic effect of one’s removal from pole-position in the most senior league in the country could be most injurious."


Carelessly, he reveals who taught him English in his youth, thereby putting them in danger of revenge attacks by traumatized readers:


"If the remnants of my classical education at the sometimes not-so tender hands of the Christian Brothers of Donore Avenue and Drimnagh Castle serve me correctly, it was that Greek playmaker of old, Epicurus, who stated that ‘the misfortune of the wise is better than the prosperity of the fool.’"



How Rico prospers these days. He’s got a car, you know:


"The last miles home on a long journey appear unending at the best of times, but traffic congestion when in sight of the homeland only serves to test further the resolve of those concerned."


Not that he’s any better at Maths:


"Seven draws is an awful lot. If Bohs had won two or three of those and even lost the rest, they'd be in a wonderful position."


Particularly troubling is Rico’s desire to speak the same way he writes - whatever vestige of editing he applies to his writing is of course completely absent from his TV punditry. Below is a mere taste of Rico’s oral crimes against the English language.


"I felt there was a lack of definable objectivity about both teams."


"This is the last and final goal from the Turks."


"The Russians will be big and strong if you let them be big and strong."


"Maldini has really regurgitated his career at left back."


"There was a lack of interdepartmental choreography between midfield and attack."


"Brian, I know you've got your backbone set in stone."


"The Waterford player's shot was on target, which is an important aspect of a players shot."