His obsession with the men of Trafford aside , none of Tom’s excitable Today FM Premiership commentaries are complete without the following seven staples.

1. BLOODLUST…………….

Tom is an old school gent. Normally paired with similarly long-toothed pundits like David Fairclough or Mick Martin, the afternoon is usually spent moaning about how football has become "non-contact" and surmising that some of the foreigners on view "still don't like it up 'em".

It always cheers Tom a little when a midfield assassin leaves the foot in:
"It wasn't a terrible foul but it was quite exciting the way he came in and took his man."

Even better if one of his heroes is the aggressor:
"Tremendous bad challenge by Sheringham."

In fact, the worse the tackle the better in Tom’s eyes:
"To bring down one man is good, but three, that must be a record."

It would be thoroughly unfair, however, to suggest that Tom doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong:
"The crazy thing about throwing things is that you could hit your own players. Though you shouldn't really throw things at all."

2. ATTENTION TO DETAIL…………….

There is no sharper eye in football than Tom’s. Or no greater thirst for the kind of detail that might not necessarily be of profound importance to the listener.

“This pitch looks beautiful - mower marks, about 10 yards wide, all the way up the pitch … well, maybe not 10 yards, maybe about 8 yards.”

“There’s a free kick now in the box, just in that little space between the eighteen-yard line and the six-yard line, that little incomplete rectangle. I don’t know what you’d call that geometrically, that 3-sided rectangle.”

3. DESCRIPTIVE POWERS…………….

“Most of the play is in the middle of the pitch, like a giant Easter egg.”
As opposed to being in one team’s half, like a giant Christmas cake.

“Peter Beardsley used to slide in and hit the ball with the hip - or leg that he wasn’t standing on - if you get my description.”
We don’t.

4. METAPHORS…………….

In truth Tom doesn’t really do metaphors. But he tries his best.

“Owen runs like rabbit chasing after… what do rabbits run after? They run after nothing…well, running after other rabbits.”

“Not sure what Hoddle is doing there - sticking his backside out and waving his arms about. Just like Christmas time when Dad’s had too much sherry.”

“He can’t turn three times, like Dick Whittington might have done...”

5. INFORMATION CONTENT…………….

Tom will not help you glean what's happening in the football match at which he's supposedly present. In fact, it might not be entirely unfair to suggest that he’s not actually very good at commentating.

"It's gotten so exciting I've forgotten the score. I had to look at my notes to get it right. It's 1-1!"
You can't expect Tom to count as well. What are co-commentators for anyway?

"Great ball. Gooalll. No. Yes. Goal kick"
Offside, Tom.

"Goalllllll. No. Yes. He's given it. Has he?"
No, Tom.

6. COMMAND OF LANGUAGE…………….

Eloquence, verbosity, lucidity. No, not Tom.

"Everybody's swinging at it. It's like those little men on twirly things you have in the pub."

"That would have been a tremendous non-goal situation had it beaten Hoult but the flag was up."

"van Nistelrooy has become a scoring phenomena."

7. SHEER NONSENSE…………….

There is magic amongst the madness.

"There's an old saying in football that he who scored next when it's 3-1 can influence the outcome of the game."

"Everyone's looking to the right now. Don't know why. It's like when you stand on the street and look up a chimney and everyone looks with you for no reason."

"Ferdinand, with a big long left knee, cuts that out."

“Newcastle are finally going to end their London bogey. They haven’t won there since…. a long time ago. That would be a ghost…..no an albatross off their necks. “

"Kanu, who almost created the first goal minutes before it was scored."