Guff

Punbelievable Jeff: 60 of Jeff Stelling’s best puns and gags

What a life’s work this man is compiling

Red card for Altrincham:

“Scott Leather’s been sent off. That’ll be hell for Leather.”

Loud in his praise of Brighton’s Dutchman:

 “Big shout out for Danny Holla.”

Long run-up for Bristol Rovers free-kick:

“Hitchcock the scorer. I think he took 39 steps before he hit that one.”

Accrington run out of attacking ideas at Wham Stadium:

“They should try a different corner.”

A shoo-in:

“Andy Sandell has now put his foot in it, he’s been sent off.”

Pouncing on a Yeovil goal:

“Dominic Buzzard was there to pick up the pieces.”

In like a flash after Stoke miss:

“Just not focussed enough, Camara, for that snapshot.”

Hotel you what:

“We’ve had Jack Marriott score for Luton and Danny Hylton has scored for Oxford United. We just need Tommy Travelodge to score for a unique hat trick.”

Getting steamed up over Berwick Rangers:

“Paul Currie got the first, Lee Currie has got the second. Both on hot streaks.”

When Bradford City v Bristol Rovers was suspended due to a drone flying over Valley Parade:

“That game might be up in the air now.”

Health and safety with Oxford’s Kemar Roofe and Luton keeper Mark Tyler:

“Roofe wrongfooting Tyler.”

Man at work:

“Matt Rhead the former JCB worker pulls one back for Mansfield, can he dig them out of a hole?”

Storm clouds gathering at White Hart Lane:

“It’s exactly the weather for a Harry-Kane.”

Energised by Sam Clucas goal for Chesterfield:

“They’ve not won in seven – just when they needed Clucas aid.”

Taking a punt on Cheltenham’s Sudanese striker:

“Eisa is proving to be a good investment.”

Dumbarton’s on-loan Celtic defender:

“Wardrop is a big unit. He’s almost part of the furniture at the club.”

Who’s a pretty boy then?

“A goal for Dean Parrot, Dean Parrot”.

Taking the biscuit:

“Keaghan Jacobs with the third for Livingston…must have been a cracker.”

Cuts to the chase:

“Craig Stanley putting the knife into Chester.”

Quentin Fortune’s dismissal for Charlton:

“It’s going to be expensive for them. It’ll cost them a Fortune.”

Watching his language:

“To Newcastle now, where Joe Kinnear swears he’s up to the job…”

Sending off at Salisbury:

“Herring has been sent off, red Herring.”

St Mirren hit by the winter vomiting bug:

“There’s an investigation going on. Not sure what that’s going to throw up.”

Scottish cup sponsor Willie Haughey:

“He’s made his millions out of refrigeration. You could say he’s a fridge magnate.”

Christmas came early at Ewood Park:

“Santa Cruz has got a clause in his contract — a Santa clause.”

Decorating a Hartlepool game:

“Billy Paynter had a brush with the referee and has been sent off.”

The mask drops:

“Nile Ranger is on loan from Newcastle. He’s playing up front on his own today… the lone Ranger.”

Making his own bed:

“Henrik Ojamaa has scored for Motherwell. He has a brother who plays in Estonia so there are a pair of Ojamaas.”

Good and the great:

“Ricky Shakes has put Ebbsfleet in front. Today he is great Shakes.”

Challenging times:

“Chuks Aneke with the goal. Graham Westley challenged Aneke and he came up with the goal.”

Sphinx a lot about Steve Bruce’s foreign legion:

“Three Egyptians in the squad today, as far as Hull as are concerned. I suppose if you want to climb the football pyramid…”

“I promised no more bad jokes about the Egyptians playing for Hull, but they’re having a Pharaoh shocker at the moment.”

Polishing a gem at Burton Albion:

“Zander Diamond sent off for violent conduct – a rough diamond.”

Adebayor’s African Cup of Nations dilemma:

“To go or not Togo”

Strong line:

“At Wigan at times, Conor Sammon looked like a fish out of water.”

Always has an ear for a tune:

“James Taylor, a handy man to have around at times like this.”

Fab:

“Erik Thorstvedt said Spurs had sold Elvis and bought the Beatles; but a Norwegian would.”

The man for four seasons:

“Cardiff have not won at home to Chelsea since 1963, oh what a night…. that must have been.”

Boys with thorns in their sides:

“Stirling Albion have Gordon, Darren L, Darren and Chris Smith — heaven knows they’re miserable now, 2-0 down.”

Music hall days:

“Flanagan and Allen the men to come in for Liverpool. They’re hoping to hang out their washing on the Goodison line. It’ll be a case of run Suarez run. Still, they are underneath the Arsenal at the moment.”

Lord preserve us:

“Dean Gerken, momentarily in a pickle.”

Over the moon:

“Sammy Clingan with the second goal. Out of this world.”

Tasty effort:

“Ben Pringle with the crisp finish.”

A watched pot:

“Stuart Kettlewell sent off for Ross County – he probably boiled over.”

Never tongue-tied:

“Joe Lolley giving Salisbury a licking with all three goals.”

Blast off:

“Ryan Stevenson has been sent off. He’ll get a rocket for that.”

Tucking Hamilton Accies up behind the yellow:

“Stephen Hendrie has put through his own goal. His side are snookered now.”

Rochdale magic:

“Bunney pulls a rabbit out of the hat.”

Chipper for Fleetwood:

“Preston getting battered by the Cod Army.”

Red card at Dagenham & Redbridge:

“Abu Ogogo is gone gone. He’s been sent off.”

Bangled this one:

“Mido has just been sent off and I can confirm he walks like an Egyptian.”

Never gets old:

“Andy Williams has scored in three consecutive games for Swindon. He’s just too good to be true.”

Taking a break from football:

“I was doing a bit of research during the week… the Brighton council leader’s name is Jason Kitcat… don’t laugh, give him a break.”

Ratings down:

“It’s a soap opera at West Brom and you could say Pepe Mel is at a crossroads.”

Breezing in:

“Yeovil bringing in Dominic Blizzard – no doubt predicting a flurry of goals.”

Jobs for the boys:

“They are advertising in the press today for a new ball boy. No timewasters.”

Night to remember:

“Antonio Luna must be over the moon with his first goal for Villa.”

Keeping it Real with Benzema’s winner:

“They do say the Karim always rises to the top.”

Albion Rovers’ saviour:

“Scott Chaplain answering their prayers.”

He got a book title out of a sending-off for Mansfield’s Gareth Jellyman:

“Jellyman’s thrown a wobbly.”

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