The Ronaldo fatwa:

“Will never be a player as long as he has a hole in his arse.”

“What they saw tonight was an impersonator, a clown, a self-indulgent idiot really, doing crazy things. He’s a petulant brat Bill, poncing around all night.”

“Ronaldo is a disgrace… a disgrace to professional football… this fella is a cod.”

Until:

“We have to reassess Ronaldo’s reputation. Increasingly, he looks like the real deal.”

“I couldn’t have been more wrong about Cristiano Ronaldo. In the history of the game, I can’t remember another winger who has been so prolific in front of goal.”

Rio Ferdinand:

“A bad character.”

“A clown. He was a liability for the first goal and he is always a liability. It was Jan Vennegoor of
Hesselink against Rio Ferdinand of Barclays Bank.”

Thomas Müller:

“Like a guy who won a competition in Tesco to play in the Champions League.”

Mario Mandzukic:

“He’s a pebble in your shoe, rather than a hammer to the head.”

Gonzalo Higuain:

“An expensive donkey.”

Giovanni Trapattoni:

“A drunken gambler in the casino throwing chips on the table.”

“Taking off Kevin Doyle was lunatic asylum stuff.”

Niall Quinn:

“A creep. The man’s an idiot, a Mother Theresa.”

Kevin Kilbane:

“Kilbane’s head is better than his feet. If only he had three heads, one on the end of each leg.”

Roman Abramovich:

“He’s a fool…He’s a stage-door Johnny.”

Liam Brady:

“He is often looked on as a great player. He is nothing of the kind. His performance on Wednesday was a disgrace, a monument to conceit adorned with vanity and self-indulgence, rendered all the more objectional by the swagger of his gait.”

John Hartson:

“That is not the arse of a seven million pound player.”

Sergio Ramos:

“He’s usually a bit of a headbanger.”

Jordan Henderson:

“Useless, Bill.”

David Luiz:

“Would be a liability playing in the League of Ireland.”

Nani:

“A mixture of cheating, giving the ball away, and rubbish, a toe-rag.”

Harry Kewell:

“Kewell should have been yanked off the pitch at half time and put in a hot bath, a boiling hot bath.”

“He’s fat and a clown, Bill, a fat clown for all to see.”

Luis Garcia:

“They should put Garcia where he belongs, in the dustbin.”

Djibril Cisse:

“Here we have Cisse, right wing, attempts to put in a cross. Bang, he hits the full back. Bang, he hits the full back again. Bang, off the full back again. And once more, bang, smacks the full back again. Millions of euro and he can’t clear the first man. I mean, what’s he trying to do to the full back here? Kill him?”

Steven Gerrard:

“Found out. A nothing player.”

Mick McCarthy:

“A congenital loser.”

“He’s one of the biggest whingers in world football… he’s a bloody eejit.”

Steve Staunton:

“Would you let him drive the train to Cork?”

Terry Venables:

“This man’s CV is riddled with failure and worse than failure.”

Match of the Day:

“They just talk drivel. Whoever is winning is great, whoever isn’t, isn’t. It’s banal. And also semi-literate at times … they never criticise in an intelligent way. Anything that isn’t banal is said to be an outburst. They’ve created this cartoon world where everyone talks like Lineker and says nothing.”

Bill O’Herlihy:

“You are Alf, Bill.”

Jose Mourinho:

“We’ll all see through Mourinho. We’ll find out he’s just a bengal lancer.”

“He’s poisonous.”

Rod Liddle:

“He’s the guy who ran away and left his wife for a young one”.

Zinedine Zidane:

“Not a great player.”

Michel Platini:

“Not a great player.”